Life's Greatest Questions.

I got the title from a Used song. but, anyway... I'm sitting on the couch in my basement, in complete darkness. I'm kind of screaming out to God to just let me find something, anything to grasp onto that isn't fake or meaningless. I guess I'm having a harder time with this than I thought. I can't hold onto anything, it feels like it's all covered in lard. the only reason I can type is because my computer is on my lap. my neck is stiff, my heart is sore, and my eyes are wide awake. I feel frozen in this moment, like Sailor Pluto has stopped time for me. I feel like God is clawing at my heart, trying to rip it open, like He's yelling at me, but I'm underwater and can only hear a few garbled words. I feel like He wants me to have a breakthrough (breakdown?) tonight. like I am going to wake up tomorrow with a clean, open, loving heart. the one I have now isn't big enough, isn't caring enough.

But at the same time... I feel apathetic. I feel like I am giving up. I don't understand what He wants me to do, or how to act about this situation.

All of the pain, hurt, resentment, anger, and frustration towards my father is all gushing out of me... I feel nothing but love towards him now. I regret my entire relationship with him. I hurt him in so many ways. just because I was hurt by him didn't mean I had the right to abuse his generosity and love for me. just because he was mentally ill doesn't mean I had the right to make fun of him or tease him. My father was a great man, for what he was.

I'm now crying. it's 12:15 and I told Ben I would be asleep an hour ago. I can't bring myself to call him. I can't bring myself to let him comfort me and tell me everything's alright. I don't want to be alone, but I feel like my friends and family are being picked off, one by one. Mostly my family, though. I feel like I'm going to be left alone... I know that's not true. I know that God will be with me, and my friends will be. Especially Ben, no matter what happens to our relationship. (not that it's rocky or anything) I want a hug. I want love. I want someone to open up their arms for me. But I've already got that.... I've got God. I've got his love and his power and strength...


God, please help me be strong, loving, kind, and wise. Be with my friends and family, be with everyone who's affected by my melancholy and hurt during this season of my life. Please guide me through murky waters and shallow seas and deep trenches. Please help me to understand that YOU are enough for me.



PS: I think I'm going to call Ben now.

A Rant. To Get My Feelings Out.

I'm going to go ahead and say it. I miss my dad. He was kind of an asshole, and he was horribly abusive.... but I miss him. He did the best he could with what he had and it's not really even his fault that he was mentally ill, was it? Sure, he made bad choices and stuff... but doesn't everyone make bad choices? I made a bad choice by eating two bowls of ice cream today.

okay, bad example. but still! he was my father. he gave me monetary support and he picked me up from school and showed me a few things. yes, he was a jerk that tried to kill me. yes, he emotionally and verbally abused my mother and I, and yes he tried to buy our love... but I can throw that all away. he was my dad. he wasn't very good at it, but he was my dad. my father-figure. and I'm sorry if you don't like it or don't approve of me calling him that. But I want you to know that that's what he is to me. he took care of me and fed and clothed me. he didn't have to take me in after mommy died, but he did. I didn't even get to thank him for the money he sent me for Christmas.... I feel terrible. I haven't talked to him in months and now I'll never get to talk to him again. I still don't know where Dick and Jan are. I hope Lynn has gotten a hold of them and they just forgot to tell me, or something. I really, really hope so. I don't want my dad rotting away in a morgue somewhere just because his brother decided now would be a good time to go on vacation. but it's not like they knew that this was about to happen.

I loved my dad, I hated my dad, and I felt indifferent towards him. But I've come to realize that I love him. and that I just lost another parent.... it sucks majorly and I might be in a funk for a while. I'm just saying.