Rent Explains It All:

Monday, August 8, 2011

Passion.

I don't post very often. I usually blog to get feelings out or whatever. I thought this blog would be different. but I don't really have anything to blog about. nothing special is going on in my life right now. I don't really see any beauty or anything worth while to blog about.
I'm just living an average life. I'm not doing anything special. sometimes, I think, "hey, Janell may have it right. I need to travel and see new things." but that's not who I am. I'm kind of a homebody. I like staying at home, by myself, with only my dog and my cat and/or my boyfriend for company. I like going to school and learning and reading and things like that. I like blogging, but what am I supposed to blog about? social commentary? of what? I don't give a rat's ass about politics or anything like that. I don't want to have a fashion blog (although I absolutely adore fashion, which is weird considering I wear jeans and teeshirts most of the time), and I don't have a passion for sports. I used to love playing music, but that's gone now that I'm not in a band of any sort. I miss that, but there aren't any bands that I can play in that aren't late at night.
all my passion in life is gone. I don't have any hobbies besides watching anime. I don't go on walks, I don't like hiking. I don't really like nature all that much, except for gardens (vegetable or otherwise).
it's hard to be passionate about something when you don't really know what your strengths are. I love kids, I love being with them and playing with them and teaching them. this summer, I found my passion for that. but, it's hard to be passionate about that when I need to spend about a billion hours in school learning about how to deal with kids. I already know how. I don't really know how to teach anything above like, third grade stuff. but that doesn't matter because I want to be in Early Childhood Development. that means ages, like, two to first grade. I don't know.
I want to find a passion for something artistic. doing something with my hands. but I suck at drawing and don't know how to draw very well. except for anime-ish people. but I can't draw poses or backgrounds or anything. I can't draw hands or feet and my proportions are always wrong.

I don't know. I'm praying that God helps me find my passion for life.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Life's Greatest Questions.

I got the title from a Used song. but, anyway... I'm sitting on the couch in my basement, in complete darkness. I'm kind of screaming out to God to just let me find something, anything to grasp onto that isn't fake or meaningless. I guess I'm having a harder time with this than I thought. I can't hold onto anything, it feels like it's all covered in lard. the only reason I can type is because my computer is on my lap. my neck is stiff, my heart is sore, and my eyes are wide awake. I feel frozen in this moment, like Sailor Pluto has stopped time for me. I feel like God is clawing at my heart, trying to rip it open, like He's yelling at me, but I'm underwater and can only hear a few garbled words. I feel like He wants me to have a breakthrough (breakdown?) tonight. like I am going to wake up tomorrow with a clean, open, loving heart. the one I have now isn't big enough, isn't caring enough.

But at the same time... I feel apathetic. I feel like I am giving up. I don't understand what He wants me to do, or how to act about this situation.

All of the pain, hurt, resentment, anger, and frustration towards my father is all gushing out of me... I feel nothing but love towards him now. I regret my entire relationship with him. I hurt him in so many ways. just because I was hurt by him didn't mean I had the right to abuse his generosity and love for me. just because he was mentally ill doesn't mean I had the right to make fun of him or tease him. My father was a great man, for what he was.

I'm now crying. it's 12:15 and I told Ben I would be asleep an hour ago. I can't bring myself to call him. I can't bring myself to let him comfort me and tell me everything's alright. I don't want to be alone, but I feel like my friends and family are being picked off, one by one. Mostly my family, though. I feel like I'm going to be left alone... I know that's not true. I know that God will be with me, and my friends will be. Especially Ben, no matter what happens to our relationship. (not that it's rocky or anything) I want a hug. I want love. I want someone to open up their arms for me. But I've already got that.... I've got God. I've got his love and his power and strength...

God, please help me be strong, loving, kind, and wise. Be with my friends and family, be with everyone who's affected by my melancholy and hurt during this season of my life. Please guide me through murky waters and shallow seas and deep trenches. Please help me to understand that YOU are enough for me.

PS: I think I'm going to call Ben now.

Monday, January 17, 2011

A Rant. To Get My Feelings Out.

I'm going to go ahead and say it. I miss my dad. He was kind of an asshole, and he was horribly abusive.... but I miss him. He did the best he could with what he had and it's not really even his fault that he was mentally ill, was it? Sure, he made bad choices and stuff... but doesn't everyone make bad choices? I made a bad choice by eating two bowls of ice cream today.

okay, bad example. but still! he was my father. he gave me monetary support and he picked me up from school and showed me a few things. yes, he was a jerk that tried to kill me. yes, he emotionally and verbally abused my mother and I, and yes he tried to buy our love... but I can throw that all away. he was my dad. he wasn't very good at it, but he was my dad. my father-figure. and I'm sorry if you don't like it or don't approve of me calling him that. But I want you to know that that's what he is to me. he took care of me and fed and clothed me. he didn't have to take me in after mommy died, but he did. I didn't even get to thank him for the money he sent me for Christmas.... I feel terrible. I haven't talked to him in months and now I'll never get to talk to him again. I still don't know where Dick and Jan are. I hope Lynn has gotten a hold of them and they just forgot to tell me, or something. I really, really hope so. I don't want my dad rotting away in a morgue somewhere just because his brother decided now would be a good time to go on vacation. but it's not like they knew that this was about to happen.

I loved my dad, I hated my dad, and I felt indifferent towards him. But I've come to realize that I love him. and that I just lost another parent.... it sucks majorly and I might be in a funk for a while. I'm just saying.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

12-19-2010

You call me your music.
But half of the music that is me, is you.
I wouldn't be the same song without you.

...just thought I'd let you know.

You're what I think about with the moon overhead and when the stars are singing me to sleep.
You're better at waking me up and making me feel alive than any sort of caffeine - even tea.
You inspire me to such great heights, and your love is unimaginable.

....just thought I'd let you know.

Love isn't an unattainable thing for me anymore.
It's real, and alive, and something you stir in my heart.
You bring me closer to God.

...just thought I'd let you know.

You are the one who can safely put my fears away.
Loving you is easy, even when you make it difficult.
You've taken all my baggage, and all my hatred, and put it on the ground, one thousand miles away.

...just thought I'd let you know that I love you. and that you're what God has given to me to prove that Love is Real. Strong. Alive.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Feelings.

Hi. I'm feeling really lonely right now. I feel the need to take out my frustrations in a blog, but that's not really something that I know how to do very well.

Do you know how hard it is for me to share my real feelings with real people? How sometimes, I tell little lies just so people will stop bugging me? I'm trying not to do that anymore. It's really hard when you know people that actually care about you, because then you feel bad for saying anything - a lie, or the truth. Unless it's something pleasant. But if I went up to one of my friends and said, "I'm feeling super lonely. Will you hold my hand until I feel better?" I'd feel really weird. It's hard, you know. Having feelings and then acting on them. Like yesterday, how upset I was. But I manned up and told Janell. She really is a great friend.

Sometimes, it's hard because I know people will act the way I don't want them to. They'll flit around me and say, "Can I help? Can I do something for you? If you need anything, I'm here." If I want you to do something, a lot of the time I'll ask. Other times, I'll just cry into your shoulder and everything will be a-okay.

Sometimes, it's hard sharing good emotions, too. Like, how I'm kind of stoked for college. But only kind of. Sometimes, the excitement can be really scary. I don't actually want to go to college. But I love being in classrooms and learning and talking to teachers and doing fun projects. I'm scared college will just be boring papers and lame lectures.

So, yes. Having emotion is hard. But if it was meant to be easy, it would be. God created emotion for us to grow in relationship with Him and with others. Sometimes, it's difficult and we need to tear apart a relationship with someone who isn't right for us (both as a friend and in a dating relationship). Other times, God is telling us that things can be a little funky in the relationship, and someone needs to make a move. It doesn't seem right for some kinds of relationships for a person to make the first move - but sometimes it's necessary. If you need to talk about something, bring it up. That's the only way you will solve the problem. The other person might be too scared or nervous to bring it up, or they might not know how they feel. But that's why you work it out with them. All these feelings can be scary, but absolutely necessary. Telling people how you feel is the best way to open communication and a good, healthy relationship. It's a beautiful and terrifying and marvelous thing. Kind of awesome, don't you think? (:

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Sailor Moon.

My obsession with Sailor Moon has been around ever since I was five. I would watch it on Toonami right before I left for kindergarten. As of right now, I am going through all five seasons (200 episodes). I found a website tonight that has the artist's sketches, color drawings, and other fun things. I posted links up to some of my favorites. But some of them are moderately scandy, so I put some warnings up. ^_^ also, I'll include a link to my favorite Sailor Moon online dress-up game. it's really fun and detailed.

Dress-Up: http://www.dolldivine.com/sailor.html

life as I know it.

School is starting soon. I need to get my books, and I need to go to Welcome Day. that's on Friday. I'm scared and nervous. I'm anticipating new friends, new teachers.... it's terrifying. I've been going to a small school for as long as I can remember, and now I'm being thrust into a new world of College. I am frightened that I am not going to get it right. That my life is somehow going to turn inside out, and I won't have time for friends or family. School. busy work. jumping through hoops to do something I am only mildly interested in doing. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. I love helping and teaching. I just love music and reading more.

my passion is for my family. Not Mom and Linda, but the one I will someday have with my husband and my children. That is what I want in life. I don't want to become a teacher, or a musician. I want a caring and supportive husband who will be able to financially support my family. I want to work part time somewhere like a coffeeshop or a used book store or a library. I want my children to be either homeschooled or private schooled. maybe both. I want to give my children a passion for something. even if it's sports.

I want a family. not the broken down thing I have now. not the five-person unit with problems over their heads and people I never see. But without this family that I have now, I won't be able to appreciate the new one in my future. and without the future family, I won't be able to appreciate my mother (who's working so hard to keep our lives afloat, and to keep me on the right path to education and a fulfilling career) or Linda (who's been my disciplinarian, my instructor, and my pain-in-the-ass aunt) or Sandy and Ron (my redneck aunt and uncle, who love and support me and understand me the best out of my family). No, I need both to appreciate my life. I need what God has put in front of me. I need my family of friends, my loving boyfriend. I need Janell and Levi and Isaac and Bridget and Mom and Linda and Ben. I need these people in my life to keep me going. most importantly, I need my Jesus.