Feelings.

Hi. I'm feeling really lonely right now. I feel the need to take out my frustrations in a blog, but that's not really something that I know how to do very well.

Do you know how hard it is for me to share my real feelings with real people? How sometimes, I tell little lies just so people will stop bugging me? I'm trying not to do that anymore. It's really hard when you know people that actually care about you, because then you feel bad for saying anything - a lie, or the truth. Unless it's something pleasant. But if I went up to one of my friends and said, "I'm feeling super lonely. Will you hold my hand until I feel better?" I'd feel really weird. It's hard, you know. Having feelings and then acting on them. Like yesterday, how upset I was. But I manned up and told Janell. She really is a great friend.

Sometimes, it's hard because I know people will act the way I don't want them to. They'll flit around me and say, "Can I help? Can I do something for you? If you need anything, I'm here." If I want you to do something, a lot of the time I'll ask. Other times, I'll just cry into your shoulder and everything will be a-okay.

Sometimes, it's hard sharing good emotions, too. Like, how I'm kind of stoked for college. But only kind of. Sometimes, the excitement can be really scary. I don't actually want to go to college. But I love being in classrooms and learning and talking to teachers and doing fun projects. I'm scared college will just be boring papers and lame lectures.

So, yes. Having emotion is hard. But if it was meant to be easy, it would be. God created emotion for us to grow in relationship with Him and with others. Sometimes, it's difficult and we need to tear apart a relationship with someone who isn't right for us (both as a friend and in a dating relationship). Other times, God is telling us that things can be a little funky in the relationship, and someone needs to make a move. It doesn't seem right for some kinds of relationships for a person to make the first move - but sometimes it's necessary. If you need to talk about something, bring it up. That's the only way you will solve the problem. The other person might be too scared or nervous to bring it up, or they might not know how they feel. But that's why you work it out with them. All these feelings can be scary, but absolutely necessary. Telling people how you feel is the best way to open communication and a good, healthy relationship. It's a beautiful and terrifying and marvelous thing. Kind of awesome, don't you think? (: