I got the title from a Used song. but, anyway... I'm sitting on the couch in my basement, in complete darkness. I'm kind of screaming out to God to just let me find something, anything to grasp onto that isn't fake or meaningless. I guess I'm having a harder time with this than I thought. I can't hold onto anything, it feels like it's all covered in lard. the only reason I can type is because my computer is on my lap. my neck is stiff, my heart is sore, and my eyes are wide awake. I feel frozen in this moment, like Sailor Pluto has stopped time for me. I feel like God is clawing at my heart, trying to rip it open, like He's yelling at me, but I'm underwater and can only hear a few garbled words. I feel like He wants me to have a breakthrough (breakdown?) tonight. like I am going to wake up tomorrow with a clean, open, loving heart. the one I have now isn't big enough, isn't caring enough.
But at the same time... I feel apathetic. I feel like I am giving up. I don't understand what He wants me to do, or how to act about this situation.
All of the pain, hurt, resentment, anger, and frustration towards my father is all gushing out of me... I feel nothing but love towards him now. I regret my entire relationship with him. I hurt him in so many ways. just because I was hurt by him didn't mean I had the right to abuse his generosity and love for me. just because he was mentally ill doesn't mean I had the right to make fun of him or tease him. My father was a great man, for what he was.
I'm now crying. it's 12:15 and I told Ben I would be asleep an hour ago. I can't bring myself to call him. I can't bring myself to let him comfort me and tell me everything's alright. I don't want to be alone, but I feel like my friends and family are being picked off, one by one. Mostly my family, though. I feel like I'm going to be left alone... I know that's not true. I know that God will be with me, and my friends will be. Especially Ben, no matter what happens to our relationship. (not that it's rocky or anything) I want a hug. I want love. I want someone to open up their arms for me. But I've already got that.... I've got God. I've got his love and his power and strength...
God, please help me be strong, loving, kind, and wise. Be with my friends and family, be with everyone who's affected by my melancholy and hurt during this season of my life. Please guide me through murky waters and shallow seas and deep trenches. Please help me to understand that YOU are enough for me.
PS: I think I'm going to call Ben now.
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