and I'll love you, if you'll let me.

sometimes I think that Marylin Manson is one of the most inspired musical artists in the world. So, with that, I think I'm going to do something that I guess a lot of people have done, but I haven't. I'm going to make a top five most loved bands/musical artists. and why I love them.


1) Showbread is a band that I have liked for a while, but just recently fell in love with (thanks to a certain boy). They inspire me to fall in love with God each and every day. They are also inspirational because they let me know that there is no cookie cutter Christian - each and every single one of us is a unique, special individual with different beliefs and opinions and loves.

2) Project 86 was my favorite band for around five years. They lead me in worship almost every single day, and sometimes they help me fall to my knees in prayer. They are an intense and emotional band, and they are fierce.

3) Ke$ha. I used to hate Ke$ha. I will be honest, though... I have fallen in love. She's so tongue-in-cheek, and clever. I love the trashy side to her, and her intense emotional songs (like "The Harold Song"). She is smart and creative, and one of the most genius musical artists ever. She's also really smart - she uses her stage presence to her advantage and gets her message out there. She is silly and fun.

4) Marilyn Manson is inspired. I love that he believes in listening to people and loving them, instead of blaming the media for people's mistakes and irresponsible actions. I am, of course, talking about when the media and others were blaming Manson for the Columbine school shootings. Not only did he wait to let everything die down before he did interviews, but when he did get interviewed, he stated his beliefs in a non-condemning and eloquent way. He is someone that I look up to greatly.

5) I don't know who this spot is for. There are many bands that I love and would love to see live. There's MCR, The Used, Kerli, August Burns Red, Jason DeRulo, Nine Inch Nails.... so many artists and inspirations.

None of them have hit me in the way that previously mentioned bands have, however. There is still a whole world of music out there that I have yet to discover. So many artists that I could benefit from. But none of them have inspired me to be something greater than I am like these artists. I have become something greater from these musicians. They (along with countless friends, members of my family, and acquantainces) have inspired me to grow closer to God, closer to my friends/family, and closer to what I want my heart to look like. I want to show complete surrender to God like I see Showbread do. I want to be as intense as Project 86. I want to stand up for my beliefs in a way that will get people thinking like Ke$ha. I want to show love and be creative and different like Marilyn Manson. There's a reason these people are my inspiration. what's yours?

let it rolll.

I'm watching SpongeBob when I'm supposed to be cleaning. I'm really hungry, but I'm waiting for Ben to come so we can eat. Clearly, life is interesting.

my hair is reminiscent of Sailor Moon (or at least that's what Ben says) and my clothes are a sort of 90s hipster. I dunno why I just described that.

Sometimes, I have thoughts about my life that aren't exactly true. I hate certain aspects of myself, or I want my life to be changed. I used to think about these things way too often, especially about a relationship. I was self-centered and I hated everything about myself. So, these are some things I used to think, and how I feel about them now. Here goes it....

I'm ridiculous. There is no way my life will turn out the way I want it to. Life is not going to turn out the way I want it to, if I don't want what God wants. But I think my life is turning around. I think I'm getting more to what God wants me to do, but I don't feel close enough. I don't think I ever will be exactly what God wants me to be. But that's because I'm a sinner.

I'm fat. Ugly. Hideous. No one will ever love me. CLEARLY, not true. I have a boyfriend who is not going to leave me until God wants us to separate. He thinks I'm beautiful. But that's not the important part - God made me just the way I am. God thinks I am beautiful, because he made me that way. He made me in a way that is beautiful and different and kind and loving. Yes, some people will not see this. But I am okay with that. Sometimes it's still hard to get over that confidence issue, but I am making progress. I've set myself a goal and I'm walking toward it.

I'm not worth anything. Wrong. God made me beautiful and precious. I am worth so much in His eyes, and in others' eyes. I am a creation of the Lord.

I am going to have to settle for someone that I hate. Ben has showed me something different. He's showed me that there are people that fit my expectations of what a friend and lover should be. So have all my other friends. I know I can go to Janell or Jessica with my problems, if I have any. I know I have friends who will love me and teach me and help me grow, and I will do the same for them. Ben has showed me that I can have a man with the whole package: he is a spiritual leader, will make a great provider.... He is silly and funny and obnoxious, but knows when to be serious and loving. We get along so well, I could never ever get sick of him. We have the same feelings towards politics, God, love... just everything that's important.

So. There you have it. my conclusions on my thoughts that used to fly around my head. I am different now. I am something more than I once was.

Life is beautiful. God is good.

You inspire me to sing to You.

word. I cannot sleep, so I decided to write this blog. God is so good, you guys. SO good.
I have an amazing boyfriend. amazing friends. an amazing life. sure, He throws things at me that I don't understand or even care for. but that is His amazing beauty and power.

I am creeping on people's facebooks. most notably, people's facebooks that I have not seen in a very, very long time. I kind of miss them. like my WahWah. :/ but I am talking to her right now so it's okay.

as of right now, I have 11 CDs to import. huzzah! that is 9 less than I had an hour ago. (:

well, I am pretty darn tired now that I have started writing. so, I think I am going to go and watch Atlantis till I fall asleep. goodbye, darlings.

<3

shimmy shimmy quarter turn.

I am watching Gangland right now. it's about the ARA. haha, I love the History Channel. as of right now, I'm pretty stoked for the show tonight.

Life is pretty okay right now. nothing has been going on. I have a hankering to watch Sailor Moon.

That's Sailor Moon. I also have this really weird craving to watch and/or read Tokyo Mew Mew. I'm ridiculous, slightly. because I like girly manga and anime about pre-teen girls? I suppose.

that is Tokyo Mew Mew. aren;t they cute? yeah, they are. even though they're in 7th grade. heeeeeee. Ichigo is my favorite. but that's because I like her boots. :D

I don't know what else to talk about. I'm really bad at blogging, I suppose.

Showbread's album drops in 5 days.

I'm excited. <3

Untitled.

So I wrote a poem in like five minutes, and this is what it is. It's kind of really terrible. But that's okay, I suppose. You're the only one that reads this, anyway. I like sharing my heart with you.

Dearest, hold me close,
Never let me go.
You are my home,
& all others invariably fall short.

Darling, you are my joy,
Even when I don't feel like smiling.
Keep me near for always,
Close to your heart.

Beloved, take joy in me constantly.
Love me, even till death.
Let it ne'er come between us,
For it is stronger than the grave.

Treasure, you are my one
& only, always & forever.
No one will separate me from you, Darling.
Until God do us part.

So, yeah, I  wrote that. One of the verses is inspired by Showbread's song George Romero Will Be At Our Wedding.
I think I am going to start writing more poetry. But probably not. maybe song lyrics? I'm even worse at writing those. I dunno. what do you think?

I am kind of fail at this.

I promised to start a blog, but have failed miserably. maybe it's because I have no time. maybe it's because... I don't even know. Liz, Ben, and I took pictures on wednesday. it was pretty fun. We pretty much just had a rave in my basement. and then played with zombie accountants.

Today I am going to an Aiming For Aurora show at the Garage. it's going to be hella fun. (: but right now I'm just watching SpongeBob and  chilling by myself. I am super hungry, but am too much of a lard to get up and get food.

So yesterday was bad... I mean, it started off and ended really well. Playing L4D and Dead Rising with Ben was really fun. But then everything got messed up... I'm really glad that everything got back to normal. Ben and I snuggled in bed and watched Anastasia. We decided that I was like her. WHICH MEANS I'VE FOUND THE DISNEY PRINCESS I AM MOST LIKE. (:

SpongeBob can be kind of a jerk when he gets an idea in his head. like, in this episode, he thinks Patrick stole Ol'Reliable. But in the end he makes it all better... it's really cute. ^-^ I love SpongeBob. I can't wait for the new special! "SpongeBob: Mystery With A Twistery". SO ADORABLE.

welp. Imma go eat now. goodbye, dear. <3

brilliance.

I haven't updated in a while, even though I promised I would. So this might be a little long. (:

My Weekend:
The weekend was amazing. I went to a music festival called Lifelight. It was amazing... I saw and met my favorite band, Showbread. I also saw Write This Down and Children 18:3. They were all amazing, but Showbread was the best. It was literally the greatest show of my life. life changing, I might say. and what Josh said... it was amazingly brilliant.
Going into Souix Falls was really exciting, too. Sunday night we went to Walmart and played hide and seek. Ben and I hid in the baby section and it took Bridget and Twin almost an hour to find us. muahahaha. Ben also bought me purple faery wings. They are ridiculous and amazing and just... beautiful.

Tuesday:
Tuesday was a wind-down day. Videogames, food, fun times.

Wednesday:
Yesterday Ben and I went with his dad to get their blood drawn. It was scary for me, but I got through it. Then we went to his grandmothers and ate yummy mac and cheese and played Oblivion. After we went back home, we played Borderlands for a couple hours. It was really fun. Then I had to go back to my house and have a discussion with my mom. It was really upsetting to me and I ended up crying and such. I don't want to go to college or get a job.

Today:
I have been at home all day, working on college and a stock sheet for my church. Nothing too exciting or anything. Currently talking to my wonderful amazing boyfriend about how perfect we are for each other. He makes my heart smile so much. He stops the boredom from seeping in and creeping into my heart. Sometimes it feels like my heart will 'splode because I love him so much... He is absolutely brilliant.