Rent Explains It All:

Sunday, December 19, 2010

12-19-2010

You call me your music.
But half of the music that is me, is you.
I wouldn't be the same song without you.

...just thought I'd let you know.

You're what I think about with the moon overhead and when the stars are singing me to sleep.
You're better at waking me up and making me feel alive than any sort of caffeine - even tea.
You inspire me to such great heights, and your love is unimaginable.

....just thought I'd let you know.

Love isn't an unattainable thing for me anymore.
It's real, and alive, and something you stir in my heart.
You bring me closer to God.

...just thought I'd let you know.

You are the one who can safely put my fears away.
Loving you is easy, even when you make it difficult.
You've taken all my baggage, and all my hatred, and put it on the ground, one thousand miles away.

...just thought I'd let you know that I love you. and that you're what God has given to me to prove that Love is Real. Strong. Alive.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Feelings.

Hi. I'm feeling really lonely right now. I feel the need to take out my frustrations in a blog, but that's not really something that I know how to do very well.

Do you know how hard it is for me to share my real feelings with real people? How sometimes, I tell little lies just so people will stop bugging me? I'm trying not to do that anymore. It's really hard when you know people that actually care about you, because then you feel bad for saying anything - a lie, or the truth. Unless it's something pleasant. But if I went up to one of my friends and said, "I'm feeling super lonely. Will you hold my hand until I feel better?" I'd feel really weird. It's hard, you know. Having feelings and then acting on them. Like yesterday, how upset I was. But I manned up and told Janell. She really is a great friend.

Sometimes, it's hard because I know people will act the way I don't want them to. They'll flit around me and say, "Can I help? Can I do something for you? If you need anything, I'm here." If I want you to do something, a lot of the time I'll ask. Other times, I'll just cry into your shoulder and everything will be a-okay.

Sometimes, it's hard sharing good emotions, too. Like, how I'm kind of stoked for college. But only kind of. Sometimes, the excitement can be really scary. I don't actually want to go to college. But I love being in classrooms and learning and talking to teachers and doing fun projects. I'm scared college will just be boring papers and lame lectures.

So, yes. Having emotion is hard. But if it was meant to be easy, it would be. God created emotion for us to grow in relationship with Him and with others. Sometimes, it's difficult and we need to tear apart a relationship with someone who isn't right for us (both as a friend and in a dating relationship). Other times, God is telling us that things can be a little funky in the relationship, and someone needs to make a move. It doesn't seem right for some kinds of relationships for a person to make the first move - but sometimes it's necessary. If you need to talk about something, bring it up. That's the only way you will solve the problem. The other person might be too scared or nervous to bring it up, or they might not know how they feel. But that's why you work it out with them. All these feelings can be scary, but absolutely necessary. Telling people how you feel is the best way to open communication and a good, healthy relationship. It's a beautiful and terrifying and marvelous thing. Kind of awesome, don't you think? (:

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Sailor Moon.

My obsession with Sailor Moon has been around ever since I was five. I would watch it on Toonami right before I left for kindergarten. As of right now, I am going through all five seasons (200 episodes). I found a website tonight that has the artist's sketches, color drawings, and other fun things. I posted links up to some of my favorites. But some of them are moderately scandy, so I put some warnings up. ^_^ also, I'll include a link to my favorite Sailor Moon online dress-up game. it's really fun and detailed.

Dress-Up: http://www.dolldivine.com/sailor.html

life as I know it.

School is starting soon. I need to get my books, and I need to go to Welcome Day. that's on Friday. I'm scared and nervous. I'm anticipating new friends, new teachers.... it's terrifying. I've been going to a small school for as long as I can remember, and now I'm being thrust into a new world of College. I am frightened that I am not going to get it right. That my life is somehow going to turn inside out, and I won't have time for friends or family. School. busy work. jumping through hoops to do something I am only mildly interested in doing. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. I love helping and teaching. I just love music and reading more.

my passion is for my family. Not Mom and Linda, but the one I will someday have with my husband and my children. That is what I want in life. I don't want to become a teacher, or a musician. I want a caring and supportive husband who will be able to financially support my family. I want to work part time somewhere like a coffeeshop or a used book store or a library. I want my children to be either homeschooled or private schooled. maybe both. I want to give my children a passion for something. even if it's sports.

I want a family. not the broken down thing I have now. not the five-person unit with problems over their heads and people I never see. But without this family that I have now, I won't be able to appreciate the new one in my future. and without the future family, I won't be able to appreciate my mother (who's working so hard to keep our lives afloat, and to keep me on the right path to education and a fulfilling career) or Linda (who's been my disciplinarian, my instructor, and my pain-in-the-ass aunt) or Sandy and Ron (my redneck aunt and uncle, who love and support me and understand me the best out of my family). No, I need both to appreciate my life. I need what God has put in front of me. I need my family of friends, my loving boyfriend. I need Janell and Levi and Isaac and Bridget and Mom and Linda and Ben. I need these people in my life to keep me going. most importantly, I need my Jesus.

and I'll love you, if you'll let me.

sometimes I think that Marylin Manson is one of the most inspired musical artists in the world. So, with that, I think I'm going to do something that I guess a lot of people have done, but I haven't. I'm going to make a top five most loved bands/musical artists. and why I love them.

1) Showbread is a band that I have liked for a while, but just recently fell in love with (thanks to a certain boy). They inspire me to fall in love with God each and every day. They are also inspirational because they let me know that there is no cookie cutter Christian - each and every single one of us is a unique, special individual with different beliefs and opinions and loves.

2) Project 86 was my favorite band for around five years. They lead me in worship almost every single day, and sometimes they help me fall to my knees in prayer. They are an intense and emotional band, and they are fierce.

3) Ke$ha. I used to hate Ke$ha. I will be honest, though... I have fallen in love. She's so tongue-in-cheek, and clever. I love the trashy side to her, and her intense emotional songs (like "The Harold Song"). She is smart and creative, and one of the most genius musical artists ever. She's also really smart - she uses her stage presence to her advantage and gets her message out there. She is silly and fun.

4) Marilyn Manson is inspired. I love that he believes in listening to people and loving them, instead of blaming the media for people's mistakes and irresponsible actions. I am, of course, talking about when the media and others were blaming Manson for the Columbine school shootings. Not only did he wait to let everything die down before he did interviews, but when he did get interviewed, he stated his beliefs in a non-condemning and eloquent way. He is someone that I look up to greatly.

5) I don't know who this spot is for. There are many bands that I love and would love to see live. There's MCR, The Used, Kerli, August Burns Red, Jason DeRulo, Nine Inch Nails.... so many artists and inspirations.

None of them have hit me in the way that previously mentioned bands have, however. There is still a whole world of music out there that I have yet to discover. So many artists that I could benefit from. But none of them have inspired me to be something greater than I am like these artists. I have become something greater from these musicians. They (along with countless friends, members of my family, and acquantainces) have inspired me to grow closer to God, closer to my friends/family, and closer to what I want my heart to look like. I want to show complete surrender to God like I see Showbread do. I want to be as intense as Project 86. I want to stand up for my beliefs in a way that will get people thinking like Ke$ha. I want to show love and be creative and different like Marilyn Manson. There's a reason these people are my inspiration. what's yours?

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

let it rolll.

I'm watching SpongeBob when I'm supposed to be cleaning. I'm really hungry, but I'm waiting for Ben to come so we can eat. Clearly, life is interesting.

my hair is reminiscent of Sailor Moon (or at least that's what Ben says) and my clothes are a sort of 90s hipster. I dunno why I just described that.

Sometimes, I have thoughts about my life that aren't exactly true. I hate certain aspects of myself, or I want my life to be changed. I used to think about these things way too often, especially about a relationship. I was self-centered and I hated everything about myself. So, these are some things I used to think, and how I feel about them now. Here goes it....

I'm ridiculous. There is no way my life will turn out the way I want it to. Life is not going to turn out the way I want it to, if I don't want what God wants. But I think my life is turning around. I think I'm getting more to what God wants me to do, but I don't feel close enough. I don't think I ever will be exactly what God wants me to be. But that's because I'm a sinner.

I'm fat. Ugly. Hideous. No one will ever love me. CLEARLY, not true. I have a boyfriend who is not going to leave me until God wants us to separate. He thinks I'm beautiful. But that's not the important part - God made me just the way I am. God thinks I am beautiful, because he made me that way. He made me in a way that is beautiful and different and kind and loving. Yes, some people will not see this. But I am okay with that. Sometimes it's still hard to get over that confidence issue, but I am making progress. I've set myself a goal and I'm walking toward it.

I'm not worth anything. Wrong. God made me beautiful and precious. I am worth so much in His eyes, and in others' eyes. I am a creation of the Lord.

I am going to have to settle for someone that I hate. Ben has showed me something different. He's showed me that there are people that fit my expectations of what a friend and lover should be. So have all my other friends. I know I can go to Janell or Jessica with my problems, if I have any. I know I have friends who will love me and teach me and help me grow, and I will do the same for them. Ben has showed me that I can have a man with the whole package: he is a spiritual leader, will make a great provider.... He is silly and funny and obnoxious, but knows when to be serious and loving. We get along so well, I could never ever get sick of him. We have the same feelings towards politics, God, love... just everything that's important.

So. There you have it. my conclusions on my thoughts that used to fly around my head. I am different now. I am something more than I once was.

Life is beautiful. God is good.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

You inspire me to sing to You.

word. I cannot sleep, so I decided to write this blog. God is so good, you guys. SO good.
I have an amazing boyfriend. amazing friends. an amazing life. sure, He throws things at me that I don't understand or even care for. but that is His amazing beauty and power.

I am creeping on people's facebooks. most notably, people's facebooks that I have not seen in a very, very long time. I kind of miss them. like my WahWah. :/ but I am talking to her right now so it's okay.

as of right now, I have 11 CDs to import. huzzah! that is 9 less than I had an hour ago. (:

well, I am pretty darn tired now that I have started writing. so, I think I am going to go and watch Atlantis till I fall asleep. goodbye, darlings.

<3