Rent Explains It All:

Monday, August 8, 2011

Passion.

I don't post very often. I usually blog to get feelings out or whatever. I thought this blog would be different. but I don't really have anything to blog about. nothing special is going on in my life right now. I don't really see any beauty or anything worth while to blog about.
I'm just living an average life. I'm not doing anything special. sometimes, I think, "hey, Janell may have it right. I need to travel and see new things." but that's not who I am. I'm kind of a homebody. I like staying at home, by myself, with only my dog and my cat and/or my boyfriend for company. I like going to school and learning and reading and things like that. I like blogging, but what am I supposed to blog about? social commentary? of what? I don't give a rat's ass about politics or anything like that. I don't want to have a fashion blog (although I absolutely adore fashion, which is weird considering I wear jeans and teeshirts most of the time), and I don't have a passion for sports. I used to love playing music, but that's gone now that I'm not in a band of any sort. I miss that, but there aren't any bands that I can play in that aren't late at night.
all my passion in life is gone. I don't have any hobbies besides watching anime. I don't go on walks, I don't like hiking. I don't really like nature all that much, except for gardens (vegetable or otherwise).
it's hard to be passionate about something when you don't really know what your strengths are. I love kids, I love being with them and playing with them and teaching them. this summer, I found my passion for that. but, it's hard to be passionate about that when I need to spend about a billion hours in school learning about how to deal with kids. I already know how. I don't really know how to teach anything above like, third grade stuff. but that doesn't matter because I want to be in Early Childhood Development. that means ages, like, two to first grade. I don't know.
I want to find a passion for something artistic. doing something with my hands. but I suck at drawing and don't know how to draw very well. except for anime-ish people. but I can't draw poses or backgrounds or anything. I can't draw hands or feet and my proportions are always wrong.

I don't know. I'm praying that God helps me find my passion for life.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Life's Greatest Questions.

I got the title from a Used song. but, anyway... I'm sitting on the couch in my basement, in complete darkness. I'm kind of screaming out to God to just let me find something, anything to grasp onto that isn't fake or meaningless. I guess I'm having a harder time with this than I thought. I can't hold onto anything, it feels like it's all covered in lard. the only reason I can type is because my computer is on my lap. my neck is stiff, my heart is sore, and my eyes are wide awake. I feel frozen in this moment, like Sailor Pluto has stopped time for me. I feel like God is clawing at my heart, trying to rip it open, like He's yelling at me, but I'm underwater and can only hear a few garbled words. I feel like He wants me to have a breakthrough (breakdown?) tonight. like I am going to wake up tomorrow with a clean, open, loving heart. the one I have now isn't big enough, isn't caring enough.

But at the same time... I feel apathetic. I feel like I am giving up. I don't understand what He wants me to do, or how to act about this situation.

All of the pain, hurt, resentment, anger, and frustration towards my father is all gushing out of me... I feel nothing but love towards him now. I regret my entire relationship with him. I hurt him in so many ways. just because I was hurt by him didn't mean I had the right to abuse his generosity and love for me. just because he was mentally ill doesn't mean I had the right to make fun of him or tease him. My father was a great man, for what he was.

I'm now crying. it's 12:15 and I told Ben I would be asleep an hour ago. I can't bring myself to call him. I can't bring myself to let him comfort me and tell me everything's alright. I don't want to be alone, but I feel like my friends and family are being picked off, one by one. Mostly my family, though. I feel like I'm going to be left alone... I know that's not true. I know that God will be with me, and my friends will be. Especially Ben, no matter what happens to our relationship. (not that it's rocky or anything) I want a hug. I want love. I want someone to open up their arms for me. But I've already got that.... I've got God. I've got his love and his power and strength...

God, please help me be strong, loving, kind, and wise. Be with my friends and family, be with everyone who's affected by my melancholy and hurt during this season of my life. Please guide me through murky waters and shallow seas and deep trenches. Please help me to understand that YOU are enough for me.

PS: I think I'm going to call Ben now.

Monday, January 17, 2011

A Rant. To Get My Feelings Out.

I'm going to go ahead and say it. I miss my dad. He was kind of an asshole, and he was horribly abusive.... but I miss him. He did the best he could with what he had and it's not really even his fault that he was mentally ill, was it? Sure, he made bad choices and stuff... but doesn't everyone make bad choices? I made a bad choice by eating two bowls of ice cream today.

okay, bad example. but still! he was my father. he gave me monetary support and he picked me up from school and showed me a few things. yes, he was a jerk that tried to kill me. yes, he emotionally and verbally abused my mother and I, and yes he tried to buy our love... but I can throw that all away. he was my dad. he wasn't very good at it, but he was my dad. my father-figure. and I'm sorry if you don't like it or don't approve of me calling him that. But I want you to know that that's what he is to me. he took care of me and fed and clothed me. he didn't have to take me in after mommy died, but he did. I didn't even get to thank him for the money he sent me for Christmas.... I feel terrible. I haven't talked to him in months and now I'll never get to talk to him again. I still don't know where Dick and Jan are. I hope Lynn has gotten a hold of them and they just forgot to tell me, or something. I really, really hope so. I don't want my dad rotting away in a morgue somewhere just because his brother decided now would be a good time to go on vacation. but it's not like they knew that this was about to happen.

I loved my dad, I hated my dad, and I felt indifferent towards him. But I've come to realize that I love him. and that I just lost another parent.... it sucks majorly and I might be in a funk for a while. I'm just saying.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

12-19-2010

You call me your music.
But half of the music that is me, is you.
I wouldn't be the same song without you.

...just thought I'd let you know.

You're what I think about with the moon overhead and when the stars are singing me to sleep.
You're better at waking me up and making me feel alive than any sort of caffeine - even tea.
You inspire me to such great heights, and your love is unimaginable.

....just thought I'd let you know.

Love isn't an unattainable thing for me anymore.
It's real, and alive, and something you stir in my heart.
You bring me closer to God.

...just thought I'd let you know.

You are the one who can safely put my fears away.
Loving you is easy, even when you make it difficult.
You've taken all my baggage, and all my hatred, and put it on the ground, one thousand miles away.

...just thought I'd let you know that I love you. and that you're what God has given to me to prove that Love is Real. Strong. Alive.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Feelings.

Hi. I'm feeling really lonely right now. I feel the need to take out my frustrations in a blog, but that's not really something that I know how to do very well.

Do you know how hard it is for me to share my real feelings with real people? How sometimes, I tell little lies just so people will stop bugging me? I'm trying not to do that anymore. It's really hard when you know people that actually care about you, because then you feel bad for saying anything - a lie, or the truth. Unless it's something pleasant. But if I went up to one of my friends and said, "I'm feeling super lonely. Will you hold my hand until I feel better?" I'd feel really weird. It's hard, you know. Having feelings and then acting on them. Like yesterday, how upset I was. But I manned up and told Janell. She really is a great friend.

Sometimes, it's hard because I know people will act the way I don't want them to. They'll flit around me and say, "Can I help? Can I do something for you? If you need anything, I'm here." If I want you to do something, a lot of the time I'll ask. Other times, I'll just cry into your shoulder and everything will be a-okay.

Sometimes, it's hard sharing good emotions, too. Like, how I'm kind of stoked for college. But only kind of. Sometimes, the excitement can be really scary. I don't actually want to go to college. But I love being in classrooms and learning and talking to teachers and doing fun projects. I'm scared college will just be boring papers and lame lectures.

So, yes. Having emotion is hard. But if it was meant to be easy, it would be. God created emotion for us to grow in relationship with Him and with others. Sometimes, it's difficult and we need to tear apart a relationship with someone who isn't right for us (both as a friend and in a dating relationship). Other times, God is telling us that things can be a little funky in the relationship, and someone needs to make a move. It doesn't seem right for some kinds of relationships for a person to make the first move - but sometimes it's necessary. If you need to talk about something, bring it up. That's the only way you will solve the problem. The other person might be too scared or nervous to bring it up, or they might not know how they feel. But that's why you work it out with them. All these feelings can be scary, but absolutely necessary. Telling people how you feel is the best way to open communication and a good, healthy relationship. It's a beautiful and terrifying and marvelous thing. Kind of awesome, don't you think? (:

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Sailor Moon.

My obsession with Sailor Moon has been around ever since I was five. I would watch it on Toonami right before I left for kindergarten. As of right now, I am going through all five seasons (200 episodes). I found a website tonight that has the artist's sketches, color drawings, and other fun things. I posted links up to some of my favorites. But some of them are moderately scandy, so I put some warnings up. ^_^ also, I'll include a link to my favorite Sailor Moon online dress-up game. it's really fun and detailed.

Dress-Up: http://www.dolldivine.com/sailor.html

life as I know it.

School is starting soon. I need to get my books, and I need to go to Welcome Day. that's on Friday. I'm scared and nervous. I'm anticipating new friends, new teachers.... it's terrifying. I've been going to a small school for as long as I can remember, and now I'm being thrust into a new world of College. I am frightened that I am not going to get it right. That my life is somehow going to turn inside out, and I won't have time for friends or family. School. busy work. jumping through hoops to do something I am only mildly interested in doing. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. I love helping and teaching. I just love music and reading more.

my passion is for my family. Not Mom and Linda, but the one I will someday have with my husband and my children. That is what I want in life. I don't want to become a teacher, or a musician. I want a caring and supportive husband who will be able to financially support my family. I want to work part time somewhere like a coffeeshop or a used book store or a library. I want my children to be either homeschooled or private schooled. maybe both. I want to give my children a passion for something. even if it's sports.

I want a family. not the broken down thing I have now. not the five-person unit with problems over their heads and people I never see. But without this family that I have now, I won't be able to appreciate the new one in my future. and without the future family, I won't be able to appreciate my mother (who's working so hard to keep our lives afloat, and to keep me on the right path to education and a fulfilling career) or Linda (who's been my disciplinarian, my instructor, and my pain-in-the-ass aunt) or Sandy and Ron (my redneck aunt and uncle, who love and support me and understand me the best out of my family). No, I need both to appreciate my life. I need what God has put in front of me. I need my family of friends, my loving boyfriend. I need Janell and Levi and Isaac and Bridget and Mom and Linda and Ben. I need these people in my life to keep me going. most importantly, I need my Jesus.

and I'll love you, if you'll let me.

sometimes I think that Marylin Manson is one of the most inspired musical artists in the world. So, with that, I think I'm going to do something that I guess a lot of people have done, but I haven't. I'm going to make a top five most loved bands/musical artists. and why I love them.

1) Showbread is a band that I have liked for a while, but just recently fell in love with (thanks to a certain boy). They inspire me to fall in love with God each and every day. They are also inspirational because they let me know that there is no cookie cutter Christian - each and every single one of us is a unique, special individual with different beliefs and opinions and loves.

2) Project 86 was my favorite band for around five years. They lead me in worship almost every single day, and sometimes they help me fall to my knees in prayer. They are an intense and emotional band, and they are fierce.

3) Ke$ha. I used to hate Ke$ha. I will be honest, though... I have fallen in love. She's so tongue-in-cheek, and clever. I love the trashy side to her, and her intense emotional songs (like "The Harold Song"). She is smart and creative, and one of the most genius musical artists ever. She's also really smart - she uses her stage presence to her advantage and gets her message out there. She is silly and fun.

4) Marilyn Manson is inspired. I love that he believes in listening to people and loving them, instead of blaming the media for people's mistakes and irresponsible actions. I am, of course, talking about when the media and others were blaming Manson for the Columbine school shootings. Not only did he wait to let everything die down before he did interviews, but when he did get interviewed, he stated his beliefs in a non-condemning and eloquent way. He is someone that I look up to greatly.

5) I don't know who this spot is for. There are many bands that I love and would love to see live. There's MCR, The Used, Kerli, August Burns Red, Jason DeRulo, Nine Inch Nails.... so many artists and inspirations.

None of them have hit me in the way that previously mentioned bands have, however. There is still a whole world of music out there that I have yet to discover. So many artists that I could benefit from. But none of them have inspired me to be something greater than I am like these artists. I have become something greater from these musicians. They (along with countless friends, members of my family, and acquantainces) have inspired me to grow closer to God, closer to my friends/family, and closer to what I want my heart to look like. I want to show complete surrender to God like I see Showbread do. I want to be as intense as Project 86. I want to stand up for my beliefs in a way that will get people thinking like Ke$ha. I want to show love and be creative and different like Marilyn Manson. There's a reason these people are my inspiration. what's yours?

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

let it rolll.

I'm watching SpongeBob when I'm supposed to be cleaning. I'm really hungry, but I'm waiting for Ben to come so we can eat. Clearly, life is interesting.

my hair is reminiscent of Sailor Moon (or at least that's what Ben says) and my clothes are a sort of 90s hipster. I dunno why I just described that.

Sometimes, I have thoughts about my life that aren't exactly true. I hate certain aspects of myself, or I want my life to be changed. I used to think about these things way too often, especially about a relationship. I was self-centered and I hated everything about myself. So, these are some things I used to think, and how I feel about them now. Here goes it....

I'm ridiculous. There is no way my life will turn out the way I want it to. Life is not going to turn out the way I want it to, if I don't want what God wants. But I think my life is turning around. I think I'm getting more to what God wants me to do, but I don't feel close enough. I don't think I ever will be exactly what God wants me to be. But that's because I'm a sinner.

I'm fat. Ugly. Hideous. No one will ever love me. CLEARLY, not true. I have a boyfriend who is not going to leave me until God wants us to separate. He thinks I'm beautiful. But that's not the important part - God made me just the way I am. God thinks I am beautiful, because he made me that way. He made me in a way that is beautiful and different and kind and loving. Yes, some people will not see this. But I am okay with that. Sometimes it's still hard to get over that confidence issue, but I am making progress. I've set myself a goal and I'm walking toward it.

I'm not worth anything. Wrong. God made me beautiful and precious. I am worth so much in His eyes, and in others' eyes. I am a creation of the Lord.

I am going to have to settle for someone that I hate. Ben has showed me something different. He's showed me that there are people that fit my expectations of what a friend and lover should be. So have all my other friends. I know I can go to Janell or Jessica with my problems, if I have any. I know I have friends who will love me and teach me and help me grow, and I will do the same for them. Ben has showed me that I can have a man with the whole package: he is a spiritual leader, will make a great provider.... He is silly and funny and obnoxious, but knows when to be serious and loving. We get along so well, I could never ever get sick of him. We have the same feelings towards politics, God, love... just everything that's important.

So. There you have it. my conclusions on my thoughts that used to fly around my head. I am different now. I am something more than I once was.

Life is beautiful. God is good.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

You inspire me to sing to You.

word. I cannot sleep, so I decided to write this blog. God is so good, you guys. SO good.
I have an amazing boyfriend. amazing friends. an amazing life. sure, He throws things at me that I don't understand or even care for. but that is His amazing beauty and power.

I am creeping on people's facebooks. most notably, people's facebooks that I have not seen in a very, very long time. I kind of miss them. like my WahWah. :/ but I am talking to her right now so it's okay.

as of right now, I have 11 CDs to import. huzzah! that is 9 less than I had an hour ago. (:

well, I am pretty darn tired now that I have started writing. so, I think I am going to go and watch Atlantis till I fall asleep. goodbye, darlings.

<3

Friday, November 12, 2010

shimmy shimmy quarter turn.

I am watching Gangland right now. it's about the ARA. haha, I love the History Channel. as of right now, I'm pretty stoked for the show tonight.

Life is pretty okay right now. nothing has been going on. I have a hankering to watch Sailor Moon.

That's Sailor Moon. I also have this really weird craving to watch and/or read Tokyo Mew Mew. I'm ridiculous, slightly. because I like girly manga and anime about pre-teen girls? I suppose.

that is Tokyo Mew Mew. aren;t they cute? yeah, they are. even though they're in 7th grade. heeeeeee. Ichigo is my favorite. but that's because I like her boots. :D

I don't know what else to talk about. I'm really bad at blogging, I suppose.

Showbread's album drops in 5 days.

I'm excited. <3

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Untitled.

So I wrote a poem in like five minutes, and this is what it is. It's kind of really terrible. But that's okay, I suppose. You're the only one that reads this, anyway. I like sharing my heart with you.

Dearest, hold me close,
Never let me go.
You are my home,
& all others invariably fall short.

Darling, you are my joy,
Even when I don't feel like smiling.
Keep me near for always,
Close to your heart.

Beloved, take joy in me constantly.
Love me, even till death.
Let it ne'er come between us,
For it is stronger than the grave.

Treasure, you are my one
& only, always & forever.
No one will separate me from you, Darling.
Until God do us part.

So, yeah, I wrote that. One of the verses is inspired by Showbread's song George Romero Will Be At Our Wedding.
I think I am going to start writing more poetry. But probably not. maybe song lyrics? I'm even worse at writing those. I dunno. what do you think?

Friday, October 22, 2010

I am kind of fail at this.

I promised to start a blog, but have failed miserably. maybe it's because I have no time. maybe it's because... I don't even know. Liz, Ben, and I took pictures on wednesday. it was pretty fun. We pretty much just had a rave in my basement. and then played with zombie accountants.

Today I am going to an Aiming For Aurora show at the Garage. it's going to be hella fun. (: but right now I'm just watching SpongeBob and chilling by myself. I am super hungry, but am too much of a lard to get up and get food.

So yesterday was bad... I mean, it started off and ended really well. Playing L4D and Dead Rising with Ben was really fun. But then everything got messed up... I'm really glad that everything got back to normal. Ben and I snuggled in bed and watched Anastasia. We decided that I was like her. WHICH MEANS I'VE FOUND THE DISNEY PRINCESS I AM MOST LIKE. (:

SpongeBob can be kind of a jerk when he gets an idea in his head. like, in this episode, he thinks Patrick stole Ol'Reliable. But in the end he makes it all better... it's really cute. ^-^ I love SpongeBob. I can't wait for the new special! "SpongeBob: Mystery With A Twistery". SO ADORABLE.

welp. Imma go eat now. goodbye, dear. <3

Thursday, September 9, 2010

brilliance.

I haven't updated in a while, even though I promised I would. So this might be a little long. (:

My Weekend:
The weekend was amazing. I went to a music festival called Lifelight. It was amazing... I saw and met my favorite band, Showbread. I also saw Write This Down and Children 18:3. They were all amazing, but Showbread was the best. It was literally the greatest show of my life. life changing, I might say. and what Josh said... it was amazingly brilliant.
Going into Souix Falls was really exciting, too. Sunday night we went to Walmart and played hide and seek. Ben and I hid in the baby section and it took Bridget and Twin almost an hour to find us. muahahaha. Ben also bought me purple faery wings. They are ridiculous and amazing and just... beautiful.

Tuesday:
Tuesday was a wind-down day. Videogames, food, fun times.

Wednesday:
Yesterday Ben and I went with his dad to get their blood drawn. It was scary for me, but I got through it. Then we went to his grandmothers and ate yummy mac and cheese and played Oblivion. After we went back home, we played Borderlands for a couple hours. It was really fun. Then I had to go back to my house and have a discussion with my mom. It was really upsetting to me and I ended up crying and such. I don't want to go to college or get a job.

Today:
I have been at home all day, working on college and a stock sheet for my church. Nothing too exciting or anything. Currently talking to my wonderful amazing boyfriend about how perfect we are for each other. He makes my heart smile so much. He stops the boredom from seeping in and creeping into my heart. Sometimes it feels like my heart will 'splode because I love him so much... He is absolutely brilliant.

Monday, August 30, 2010

gentlemen's league of embetterment.

I don't think it actually exists. The signs on 61 are a lie. I mean, really. The only thing I could find on google was about sports, and something about "The Obama Desception". How ridiculous.

Anyway, I am eating McDonald's and drinking some sweet tea. I'm off caffeine and soda pop. It's terribly upsetting that I can't drink my Throwback or my MelloYello. But it's for my health, yeah?

My mom and I were discussing what happened the first couple years that she adopted me after mom died. She was telling me stuff about this kid named Rick. Apparently, the first game we played was the "Dead Mommy Game". This was, apparently, where we re-enacted my mother's murder. How sensative of Rick. Not only this, but his house was also a crack house. Ridiculous.

She also started talking about how before I get pregnant, I need to get my blood drawn. For those of you who don't know, I have a slight aversion to needles. and when I say "slight", I mean "a ridiculously crazy, irrational fear". I started crying just thinking about it.

Why do people get scared of things? Is it something that can't be helped? Is there something wrong with the person? Is it only something that happens after a traumatic incident? I don't understand why the feeling of fright happens. It feels like some things are just silly. For instance, I have a huge fear of someone creeping into my house. It is totally irrational and crazy, but I understand why this happens and why I'm scared of it. Is there any way to get over fear besides confrontation? It's something that has weighed on my heart for a while now. any thoughts?

welp!

I have decided to start blogging, I suppose. I don't understand why. I just felt this random impulse to start another one. Since, I have, of course, had other blogs on other sites with other thoughts and feelings and angst. While these blogs still exist somewhere, they were not and are not who I am now. I am recanting my former self and embracing who I am now. Starting this blog is a step towards a new, better me.

I enjoy having a place to pour out my thoughts. For example, the feeling of boredom. It is slowly eating away at my mind. So, I suppose I will start with a little bit about myself. My name is Arianna. I am 18, and currently looking for a job. I have an interview in two days at Target.

Speaking of two days, that is the date of my two month anniversary with my excellent boyfriend Benjamin. He is rather fantastic in every single way. I have spent every single day with him (or at least part of every day) for about three months. It's funny, because even though sometimes we don't agree on things, or we get on each other's nerves, we can still talk to each other about it and we have a great way of communicating things. It is a great skill to have, and I know it takes some couples months, or years, to acquire that skill. I really appreciate what that boy does for me. How he genuinely cares about who I am and what I think and what my opinions on things are. I enjoy how our hands fit together perfectly.

Ben has introduced me to my really good friends: Janell, Levi, Bridget, and Isaac (Twin). The six of us are going to Lifelight, a music festival in South Dakota, on Friday. I am so excited, it is ridiculous. This will be my first time ever seeing Showbread, one of my most favorite bands. I linked you to their myspace, to spread the love, as it were.

Gosh. I feel like I'm not saying anything of value. I'm just ranting about myself... but I don't really know what to talk about. I could talk about music, or movies, or people. But I feel as if none of that really matters.

I shall possibly write something more later today, when I think of something exciting or interesting or of value.